Awake
by Atthla
Summary: Lavi loved and hated nighttime. [LaviKanda]


**Awake**

**Author: Atthla**

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. I'm only playing with them and adding a healthy dose of angst.

**Pairing: **Lavi/Kanda

**Summary: **Lavi loved and hated nighttime.

**Notes: **Another ficlet from me. This one is less humorous and contains more angst, but I hope you'll still enjoy it.

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Lavi had spent many kinds of night awake. There were, for example, nights during his childhood when he had been too excited to sleep and seconds had felt like hours because tomorrow would be his first this or that. Or nights during strenuous missions when he couldn't let his guard down and had to keep his eyes opened or risked a surprise attack while he was sleeping.

There were also bitter lonely nights during which he dreamt about endless corridors and mazes he couldn't get out from. And these came often, especially after one of his friends almost got killed – which happened to occur in daily basis nowadays – or his stubborn master finally succumbed to old age and fell sick. He hated these nights, but they would always come back to him, again and again.

He had many memories of sleepless nights, but Lavi's favourite had to be those warm nights looking at his lover's face after a wonderful lovemaking. He would stay silent, motionless for hours just to gaze at Kanda's face, which in his opinion was entirely different without the strains the swordsman always wore side by side with wakefulness, though of course no less beautiful. These were his special moments, because he could drape an arm over pale, almost skinny waist without having Yuu reacting violently at this affectionate gesture – like punching him to oblivion or unsheathing a dangerously honed katana – or simply look at him without receiving a glare, a snap and, usually, a walkout.

Luckily for him, this night belonged to the last group – although sadly sans the lovemaking part. They were on their way back to Home after a mission and things actually had been looking a little bit gloomy with the constant downpour outside. They had been forced to spend the night in a rather dilapidated inn among so many other stranded travelers. How Kanda had finally managed to secure a room for them was unknown to Lavi, but he was perfectly content to let the other exorcist threaten and flaunt Mugen around as long as they could keep themselves dry for the night.

Night, he felt, also suited Kanda very much. Cold whispers of the night wind made him curl slightly to Lavi even though he was still too proud to fall completely into his embrace. His posture might be a little defensive, but at least he wasn't trying to grab his sword every five minutes or so like a few months ago when they had been still too unused to each other's presence.

Before, he had always wondered about the perpetual scowl on Kanda's face, if he had worn it to his sleeps. Now, he found it amusing to discover that certain muscles apparently did not forget their training because even now they maintained some kind of a small frown on his lover's face. Yuu-chan was still Yuu-chan even in the deepest slumber and Lavi loved every side of him.

Loved. Lavi loved Yuu.

It made his heart clench just to think about it. To him, loving Kanda felt like falling into a bottomless abyss, both exhilarating and frightening. Lavi always liked challenge and Yuu-chan was one of the toughest nuts to crack. It gave him pleasure, a sense of contentment to see that he could make his friend bristle – or at very rare times, blush. Anything, as long as he was not ignoring him. True that the Japanese often made him feel frustrated, but in the end, he treasured those moments all the same. Like the old man said, struggles made victories taste sweeter.

And suddenly they were too close. Kanda wouldn't admit it for his life, but Lavi could see it, could see in the way pale hands would cling tightly to him in the middle of their lovemaking, in the way dark eyes would gain fire in them every time he came back bloodied and battered. Kanda might be in denial, but Lavi knew very well what they were getting into. And he was afraid.

If one of them died, the other would be broken. In their line of work however, nothing was certain and death was entirely too possible. It came in package with that cool black coat, he used to say and make fun of when they had been younger.

But lately it didn't sound funny anymore. Death preyed on his mind like demons would feast on souls and this only got worse at night when he had no barriers from dark, terrible thoughts. He would picture a flower, once beautifully shining and now losing its last petal to time and endless fights. The single pink petal would fade into lifeless grey and he would scream because he knew what that meant.

He had always hated that lotus. Kanda must have too, because every time they spent a night together, it would be in Lavi's room, away from its sickly, ominous glow. All of them were mortal, but Lavi couldn't imagine how it felt to always be reminded that you had a clock ticking, drawing your death nearer and nearer with every drop of blood spilled.

Maybe he wasn't the only one aware that they were only looking for troubles by doing this. Kanda, for all his standoffish airs and brusqueness, must know better than anybody else.

And Bookman too.

Lavi felt his arm automatically tightening its hold around his lover's waist at the thought of his master. He had gotten a few harsh words about getting too close with anyone, first Allen and now Yuu, but the more he tried, the more he found it difficult to disregard his friends. Allen was the first one who reached out to him. Yuu was the reason he kept trying to reach out. Lavi needed him.

Naturally his master disagreed. The old man had even gone as far as pressuring Komui not to partner them together ever again. But Lavi, being a rebel at heart, decided that he didn't like this arrangement and went in search for Yuu at the first chance he got.

He knew the risks. He knew what kind of hell waiting for him in the end of the tunnel, but he didn't want to let Kanda's hand go. If he was allowed to be selfish, just this once…

"Sleep, asshole. We're leaving at sunrise."

Lavi withdrew his arm, trying not to grimace at the totally unaffectionate way of addressing him as Kanda burned a hole somewhere between his eyes. Trust the ice princess to ruin his angst-ridden moment.

"Sorry," he murmured in what he deemed a politely apologetic tone. "Did I wake you up?"

"I can hear your thoughts from miles away."

"That means we've formed a psychological connection, Yuu-chan," he informed Kanda cheerfully.

"Like hell," the swordsman growled. "Who wants to be connected with you?"

"You already did."

"Shut up."

Lavi obeyed and returned his arm to its original position. Kanda glared at him, but other than that didn't make a more useful effort to resist him and simply went back to sleep, leaving him to stare at closed eyes adorned by long lashes.

There were many reasons why Lavi loved and hated nighttime, but above all, it was because he could feel optimistic in this shelter of darkness. Time and space had suddenly expanded and he had them, limitless, within his grasp, and it was, although able to give him this little frail thing called hope, too painful.

Very, very painful.

**End**

Comments are very much appreciated. And if there's anyone who can help me in some details about Kanda's healing ability, I'll be very much obliged. Is this ability his to use as he sees fit or it simply will react every time he gets injured regardless of his wish? I'm a little behind in the manga so I don't know if this information is already available or not. I'm gonna need it for another fic, so please help me.

Thank you for reading!


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